Three years ago, I walked away from my teaching career. I walked away from job security, good health insurance, a ten minute commute to work, and financial stability. If I wanted to treat my daughter to a mini-shopping spree, I could. If I wanted to go to the movies and have dinner out, I could. I got my teeth cleaned every six months, had my annual female check-up, and didn’t sweat it too much when my dog needed to go to the vet.
But you see, I felt this urging for something more. I felt I needed to find a vocation that would bring me back to working with individuals in ways that focused attention more on what was within rather than on what was without. Does that make sense? Well, somehow it did to me, and so with much prayer, I went to graduate school and obtained a MA in Counseling. Am I counseling now? Yes. Am I working and being paid as a counselor? No. It has been a year since I graduated, and life is ever unfolding and teaching. I’ve yet to find full time work. I’ve yet to find that conventional job that returns me to a conventional lifestyle. I run into to people all the time who want to know what I’m doing now that I’ve graduated, and many times I fumble it. I feel like I need to say what they expect to hear, to fit into what we all thought was coming. But what can I say? I walked away from teaching, have incurred huge debts for college loans, and am not earning my keep as a counselor. No. I pretty much tell people that I’m working part-time as a teacher… as a teacher. What must they think as they walk away from such absolute insanity? Isn't that what you were doing three years ago?
What I fail to say is all the other rich, out of the box things I am also doing and loving. Might I list a few here? I am writing daily. I am preaching. I am leading retreats. I am a working artist. I am a Spiritual Director who works both formally and informally with those who thirst for matters of the Spirit. I'm about many things that don't fit into a category or carry a title.
So, here’s what I want to say. Here’s what I’m practicing saying today. I am loving life… that’s what I’m doing, and I’m available to help others love their lives as well. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring… and isn’t that exciting? I am living closer to who I am than I ever have before and it is… frightening and unstable and wide open and devastating and glorious. I freak out often. But I’m not freaking out by choosing to do things I don't believe in. I’m not freaking out because I’m so exhausted from doing things I don’t believe in that I don’t know what I believe in. I’m not freaking out because I'm listening to the worldly powers saying that I’m not good enough or valuable enough. I respect me. I respect the God of my life enough to say, “I sure as heck don’t know what You have up your sleeve, but I’m game. I’m listening and following this unnamable calling, and I trust that You are love and all that I need to do is… trust and allow the love to ripple on.”
What am I doing specifically this day? I’m going to wash my dishes at a slow pace. I’m going to watch the goldfinch outside at the feeder as my hands appreciate the warm soap bubbles. I’m going to send cards to those who are suffering. I’ll talk with my family and surely tell them how much I love them. I’ll hold my little dog since she is sick again, and through my breathing and touching and praying, I trust that she’ll feel the healing love of the divinest mysteries linger close. I’ll give thanks to God for the green woods that hold me and for urging the surging life in me to green up some more. I’ll play… oh, who knows with which art form… but I’ll play myself into something that might touch another heart, and stir a bit of financial support. At some point today there will be some arbitrary voice come into my head that will say something like, “Shouldn’t you be doing something more productive? Shouldn’t you be doing something more concrete that either earns some solid money or produces something more valuable than clean dishes in the drainer?” Most likely, at that juncture, I’ll scan the internet for current job openings. Chances are, I’ll apply for more counseling positions, work in the church, and yes, even new teaching opportunities, because there is still this part of me that wants not only to serve others and follow calling, but to play it safe and fit into what seems more normal. But should this holding pattern continue wherein no job is offered, I’m making peace with this life, this fertile life I’ve always wished for, and I promise to honor the artistic play God is enjoying in the process of creating me.
So, I do hope the questioning will continue. I hope people will continue to ask me what I’m doing now with three degrees and lots of certified titles behind my name. I’m ready to share some authentic conversation. It might still leave some folks scratching their heads, but chances are where there’s head scratching there’s also soul searching (unless of course, it’s just lice… and in that case you’ll want to be much more practical than philosophical!)
But you see, I felt this urging for something more. I felt I needed to find a vocation that would bring me back to working with individuals in ways that focused attention more on what was within rather than on what was without. Does that make sense? Well, somehow it did to me, and so with much prayer, I went to graduate school and obtained a MA in Counseling. Am I counseling now? Yes. Am I working and being paid as a counselor? No. It has been a year since I graduated, and life is ever unfolding and teaching. I’ve yet to find full time work. I’ve yet to find that conventional job that returns me to a conventional lifestyle. I run into to people all the time who want to know what I’m doing now that I’ve graduated, and many times I fumble it. I feel like I need to say what they expect to hear, to fit into what we all thought was coming. But what can I say? I walked away from teaching, have incurred huge debts for college loans, and am not earning my keep as a counselor. No. I pretty much tell people that I’m working part-time as a teacher… as a teacher. What must they think as they walk away from such absolute insanity? Isn't that what you were doing three years ago?
What I fail to say is all the other rich, out of the box things I am also doing and loving. Might I list a few here? I am writing daily. I am preaching. I am leading retreats. I am a working artist. I am a Spiritual Director who works both formally and informally with those who thirst for matters of the Spirit. I'm about many things that don't fit into a category or carry a title.
So, here’s what I want to say. Here’s what I’m practicing saying today. I am loving life… that’s what I’m doing, and I’m available to help others love their lives as well. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring… and isn’t that exciting? I am living closer to who I am than I ever have before and it is… frightening and unstable and wide open and devastating and glorious. I freak out often. But I’m not freaking out by choosing to do things I don't believe in. I’m not freaking out because I’m so exhausted from doing things I don’t believe in that I don’t know what I believe in. I’m not freaking out because I'm listening to the worldly powers saying that I’m not good enough or valuable enough. I respect me. I respect the God of my life enough to say, “I sure as heck don’t know what You have up your sleeve, but I’m game. I’m listening and following this unnamable calling, and I trust that You are love and all that I need to do is… trust and allow the love to ripple on.”
What am I doing specifically this day? I’m going to wash my dishes at a slow pace. I’m going to watch the goldfinch outside at the feeder as my hands appreciate the warm soap bubbles. I’m going to send cards to those who are suffering. I’ll talk with my family and surely tell them how much I love them. I’ll hold my little dog since she is sick again, and through my breathing and touching and praying, I trust that she’ll feel the healing love of the divinest mysteries linger close. I’ll give thanks to God for the green woods that hold me and for urging the surging life in me to green up some more. I’ll play… oh, who knows with which art form… but I’ll play myself into something that might touch another heart, and stir a bit of financial support. At some point today there will be some arbitrary voice come into my head that will say something like, “Shouldn’t you be doing something more productive? Shouldn’t you be doing something more concrete that either earns some solid money or produces something more valuable than clean dishes in the drainer?” Most likely, at that juncture, I’ll scan the internet for current job openings. Chances are, I’ll apply for more counseling positions, work in the church, and yes, even new teaching opportunities, because there is still this part of me that wants not only to serve others and follow calling, but to play it safe and fit into what seems more normal. But should this holding pattern continue wherein no job is offered, I’m making peace with this life, this fertile life I’ve always wished for, and I promise to honor the artistic play God is enjoying in the process of creating me.
So, I do hope the questioning will continue. I hope people will continue to ask me what I’m doing now with three degrees and lots of certified titles behind my name. I’m ready to share some authentic conversation. It might still leave some folks scratching their heads, but chances are where there’s head scratching there’s also soul searching (unless of course, it’s just lice… and in that case you’ll want to be much more practical than philosophical!)
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