It’s time to purge myself of some troubling thoughts. I’m going to do this for me, but anytime I put pen to paper, I hope someone else receives a blessing or a relief or just a good laugh that we’re all only human.
I have dear friends who are spending time together in Italy. I actually officiated their wedding, and they are the sweetest couple. They took off for this grand adventure and have been posting their travel photos in real time for all of us back home to view. It’s their way of including us, of taking us with them… again such a kind thing to do!
But I have only looked at a few. It’s reminiscent of a time when I couldn’t go to baby showers because I couldn’t birth a baby of my own. You know how happy everyone is, how joy is such a present, palpable state, and how we are called to engage such bliss! But I felt fake when I tried because my own loss was too close. Jealousy is such a strong, ugly word that I really don’t like to tie that to my being, but what came to me this morning as the rain fell down is the emotion below the jealousy… which was grief then… and grief now.
I want to be married, and I’ve been on my own for over twenty years. I’ve done my work. I’ve said my prayers. I’ve shown up both in person and online! But I’m still waiting. And I want to travel. I want to go to Italy, to Austria, to see the Grand Canyon, to witness the migration of butterflies in Mexico, and to slowly and with heart-felt intention to take in God’s greatness in places I’ve never seen. The catch is… I want to go with my husband. I want to make those memories with him. Maybe, one day, I’ll travel with my daughter and make precious memories with her. Or maybe, one day, I’ll go with a bunch of girlfriends and just laugh my way through foreign countries! Maybe I need to do these trips as I wait for my beloved. Maybe he is waiting for me there, eh?
But there are hours to work here, and people to tend, and an unexpected ER visit that needs to be paid. So, for today, I acknowledge the sadness and try to love what is before me, what is present in my own backyard. I take in the sound of the rain and the wind in my daughter’s gift of wind chimes. I let my feet walk me down country roads so entwined with beauty that I imagine Italians wanting to come and walk beside me here. I light candles as I wash my dishes, and give thanks for the humbleness of my life even as I am aware of how much I have.
And I try to make peace with the parts of me that cannot look at my friend’s photographs. I go to baby showers now with great joy… so I know our hearts can heal, can grow bigger, and more open. And I pray for any of you who also carry tenderness in the midst of another’s joy. Such bitter-sweetness this life holds. Maybe we can simply let it be until only the sweetness lingers.
I have dear friends who are spending time together in Italy. I actually officiated their wedding, and they are the sweetest couple. They took off for this grand adventure and have been posting their travel photos in real time for all of us back home to view. It’s their way of including us, of taking us with them… again such a kind thing to do!
But I have only looked at a few. It’s reminiscent of a time when I couldn’t go to baby showers because I couldn’t birth a baby of my own. You know how happy everyone is, how joy is such a present, palpable state, and how we are called to engage such bliss! But I felt fake when I tried because my own loss was too close. Jealousy is such a strong, ugly word that I really don’t like to tie that to my being, but what came to me this morning as the rain fell down is the emotion below the jealousy… which was grief then… and grief now.
I want to be married, and I’ve been on my own for over twenty years. I’ve done my work. I’ve said my prayers. I’ve shown up both in person and online! But I’m still waiting. And I want to travel. I want to go to Italy, to Austria, to see the Grand Canyon, to witness the migration of butterflies in Mexico, and to slowly and with heart-felt intention to take in God’s greatness in places I’ve never seen. The catch is… I want to go with my husband. I want to make those memories with him. Maybe, one day, I’ll travel with my daughter and make precious memories with her. Or maybe, one day, I’ll go with a bunch of girlfriends and just laugh my way through foreign countries! Maybe I need to do these trips as I wait for my beloved. Maybe he is waiting for me there, eh?
But there are hours to work here, and people to tend, and an unexpected ER visit that needs to be paid. So, for today, I acknowledge the sadness and try to love what is before me, what is present in my own backyard. I take in the sound of the rain and the wind in my daughter’s gift of wind chimes. I let my feet walk me down country roads so entwined with beauty that I imagine Italians wanting to come and walk beside me here. I light candles as I wash my dishes, and give thanks for the humbleness of my life even as I am aware of how much I have.
And I try to make peace with the parts of me that cannot look at my friend’s photographs. I go to baby showers now with great joy… so I know our hearts can heal, can grow bigger, and more open. And I pray for any of you who also carry tenderness in the midst of another’s joy. Such bitter-sweetness this life holds. Maybe we can simply let it be until only the sweetness lingers.
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